In this day and age, how you discipline your child(ren) can be a touchy subject. After parenting for almost the last decade, I have learned positive and realistic ways to discipline my kids to correct poor behaviors.
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It took a long time to learn, but how my parents raised me, just didn’t work for my kids.
I grew up with Authoritarian Parenting. I just found out there is an actual name for this parenting style. This is when the parent is undoubtedly in control, there are no questions asked, you listen and do what I tell you without any feedback. You are seen, not heard. If you don’t listen you will be punished and that will probably include spankings. My way or the highway type deal. Sound familiar?
Disclaimer: No, I was NOT abused in any way, shape, or form, and yes I had a great childhood. This is just how my parents were raised and the cycle continued on to me. Unfortunately, I started this cycle with my kids, but have transitioned out, read more below.
When you treat parenting as a dictatorship nothing good comes of it.
Or course, you are the one in charge. Yes, your kids need to listen and do what they are told. There absolutely needs to be consequences for their actions.
But, our kids are also human. If they are having a bad day, yes, their attitude is probably going to suck. You can’t force a 6 year old to be always be happy and never have a bad day. It’s hard enough to just fake happiness sometimes as an adult.
Here’s what I’ve learned, if you listen, your kids will tell you what they need.
A child feeling unheard almost always ends in poor behavior.
For example, Bowen, he is our sensitive one and the one that gives us the most attitude. He would get off the bus and have a terrible attitude. For the longest time, I couldn’t understand why he would be in such a bad mood when he just got home.
If I’m being honest, I would usually end up disciplining this bad behavior by yelling at him, threatening to take something away or time outs. I realized though, all he needed was a hug, time to unwind from school, and probably a snack, just like an adult coming home from work.
At this point, I really started to get in tune with my kids poor behaviors and really analyze why they were acting the way they were before I would start to discipline.
Kids have their own way of telling you what they need.
Raymond for example at around the age of 2 – 3 would throw TERRIBLE fits that came out of nowhere! We did everything to try and correct the tantrums: tapping his butt, time outs, putting him down for naps, nothing ever worked.
Come to find out, he threw these fits when he got hungry. Hangry is real. All he would need was a snack and he would be back to being his happy self.
This is why I say you can’t just assume that a kid is being bad for just any ole reason. There is ALWAYS an underlying reason that they may or may not be able to tell you. This is why a flexible way of discipline and an open mind is necessary when raising kids.
Of course, we should not budge or tolerate inexcusable behaviors. But, instead of following in the footsteps of old cycles, we have implemented times outs, quiet times, and groundings.
What Works For My Older Boys – Ages 5 and 7
- Use breathing as a way to calm down – When Bowen was about 3 or 4, and start to get really upset, I would send him to his room to calm down. I would let him sit for about 5 minutes or so and then sit with him. This is when I would have him take 3 deep breaths to calm down. Bowen is 7 and the breathing still works to help him calm down.
- Talking it out – Now, this won’t work for most children younger than about 4/5 because they just don’t understand reasoning yet, but for my two older boys, talking out what is wrong really helps.
- Patience – I will be the first to tell you that my patience runs very thin, especially with 6 kids, but over the years I have learned that patience is key when disciplining children. Stop and count to 5, 10, 100 if you have to so that you can discipline with an open and calm mind.
- Picking your battles – This one is the most important, in my opinion. There is no reason to discipline for every little detail. If I chose to discipline my kids for every single thing they did wrong, they would be in time out all day and I would be one stressed out mama! Remember this: not every action needs a reaction.
- Let them be kids – There is going to come a time when our kids are going to have to hide their emotions. Let them share their frustration, when they’re sad, scared, tired , and show how they feel. At the same time, teach them what is appropriate behavior when they have these feelings.
Really, what is all comes down to is, is that if you just listen to your kids, they will tell you exactly why they are acting the way they are.
Just listen.
