5 Tips for New Step Mamas

Step mom, bonus mom, whatever you’re called – there is no right way to approach this subject. I mean, are we even allowed to talk about this?

Am I allowed to write about my feelings of my child that I didn’t give birth to? Am I allowed to call them my child? Am I allowed to be offended and heart broken by how they are treated by a blood relative? Am I allowed to love, treat and discipline them the way I treat their “half siblings”?

The answer to all of the above is, yes.

Having a child that is not related to you by DNA makes absolutely no difference in the way you love or treat them. If you treated them differently in spite of this, there would be something wrong.

I’ve been on this journey of step parenthood for just about a year shy of a decade so I know a thing or two.

How I wish I could go back knowing what I know now – I was nineteen when her father and I met.

Knowing what I know now I can be confident in my advice for you:

You are not the leading act.

In the beginning of this delicate relationship, you are not the number one person the child is going to run to when they have a problem. To be blunt about it, you may never be. Don’t let that discourage you – strong relationships don’t happen overnight. Don’t force the relationship, but always let them know that you are a safe space for them to vent their problems when they need to. Showing you genuinely feel for them, without being overbearing and remaining a neutral part in their crazy world, will open a place for you in their heart. This may take time, so be patient.

No matter what anyone says – there will probably be baby mama drama.

I say this because I specifically remember my husband, at the beginning of our dating years, ask if there was a problem with him already having a child. I responded with something along the lines of “as long as there’s no baby mama drama, I’m happy with it”. Oops! Again, this is where a lot of ignorance and immaturity came into play. There may be a few (a lot) of times when both sides disagree with certain topics. You just have to be the bigger person, sometimes you won’t be, but always try to be. Always remember: It’s about what is best for the child, not what is most convenient for you!

There are going to be a lot of hard days.

As a step parent, you are never going to be given the credit you truly deserve. There are going to be days when things just don’t add up, days when you wish that things weren’t the way they are, days when you honestly question why you voluntarily put yourself in the situation you did. These are all valid questions that only step parents will understand and its absolutely okay and normal! But at the end of the day it’s because you love their father and you love that little babe(s), and that’s why its bothering you so much. Focus on the positive and why you’re in the situation in the first place when the uncertain times hit.

Never, never, never bash the other parent(s).

I think this is a very important one. Mostly, you are not in competition with the other parent. A child having to go back and forth between two homes is hard enough and there is already going to be stress with this, bashing the other parent will not get you bonus points. It does not matter what you think of their mother, father, other step parent, you do not say any negative remarks about them to the child. It’s not going to get you bonus points in any way, shape or form, it may even backfire on you. So, to put this simply, keep unkind opinions to yourself.

You are allowed to love this child.

It doesn’t matter how this child became yours, you’re helping take care of and raise these little humans. Inevitably, you’re going to fall in love with them. And that’s okay! You are allowed to love someone you spend so much time caring for. You don’t need to worry what others may think of you, if it’s been two weeks or two years, if you’re fit for the title or what the other parent thinks. What matters is that you love the child and show them compassion, understanding and love when you are with them. There can never be too much love for a child to receive, so give it your all.

Now that you have these tips, take them and do what you can with them. Maybe love on your new little a little bit harder. Maybe sit down and let them pour their heart out to you as you color with them. Enjoy some of their hobbies while dads at work. Whatever you do, just be there for them.

A step parent is not a parent to replace the original, but to act as a bonus parent to add to the value of the child’s life. A child can never receive too much love.