Step parenting can be brutal. It isn’t always sunshine and butterflies and pretty pictures of how happy you are. Many times it can be stressful and heartbreaking.
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Reading those top lines, I make step parenting sound awful, forgive me. I love my step daughter, bonus daughter, let’s not get that twisted. We have been through so much since she was 16 months old.
I had the honor of pulling out her first tooth and teach her how to ride a bike. There’s been many nights she has confided in me as a parent she trusts with her feelings. First steps, first words, first day of school, I’ve got to experience all of that with her.
There are so many beautiful memories that wouldn’t have been possible without being her bonus mom.
As great as it is, though, I would be lying if I said it has always been easy.
New Step Mamas – This post is for you.
If you’re here then you probably have some questions on how to navigate your new role as a step parent. With almost a decade in this department, I break down some of the basics of step-parenting.
Let’s Hit Some Key Points
- You are a bonus parent meaning you are in addition to the family that has already been created. You are not better than or more important, and the same goes for the “opposing” side.
- Co Parenting: Two families coming together for the best interest of the child(ren).
- This is not a competition, there is no winning.
- Make your bonus kiddos feel welcome without letting them run wild, you are still a parent after all.
- Do not speak badly about the other parents, EVER.
- Do not play favorites in hopes of your bonus kids liking you – it will backfire on you.
- Find an out that allows you to blow off steam.
- There will be some sort of drama, just expect it.
- Don’t be a step monster.
- It is absolutely okay for the way you are feeling.
You are a Bonus Parent
As a bonus parent, you are in addition to the family that was already created, before you. You are a bonus to the child(ren) life and that’s where you must remain until you are asked to move into more.
Take it from me, we were not yet married, but I jumped into the bonus mom role at 19. At this point, I was eager and excited about having a family. I loved, my now husband, and his beautiful, big cheeked and curly haired little girl and I felt complete.
Unfortunately, I was to young to understand that I was overstepping boundaries when it came to my role.
You must understand that there are bio (biological) parents and you are a bonus. You need to be respectful and encourage their relationship while being comfortable on the sidelines until you are asked to join in.
If you jump right in, you are going to end up with issues.
Let bio parents make decisions until you are asked. Never put in your two cents until you are asked. Be respectful, always.
For now, focus on a friendship with the child(ren).
Co Parenting
Co Parenting is when two families come together for the best interest of the child(ren).
I’ll be completely honest, this may be the hardest part of blended family life, especially if each family parents differently.
Again, this is where the bonus parent (you) stay to the side and keep your two cents to yourself until you are asked to join in. I know it may not seem fair, but you need to listen to this, otherwise you will cause strain to the relationship.
It may even take a decade for the co parenting to become easier. Hang in there. When the time is right, you will be able to be included, just don’t expect it right away. Be patient.
This isn’t a competition. There is no winning.
It may feel like you are always trying to compete to see who the “better” parent is, but trust me, there is no winning.
The only person that should be worried about winning is the child(ren). If things are messy, the kids are the ones who are losing. If things are great, the kids are the ones winning.
There is no “better” parent. As the bonus parent you need to be a neutral between the two “sides” and advocate for the best interest of the child. Sometimes it is best to listen to both sides and help them come to an understanding.
Sometimes, bio parents can be so wrapped up with who “gets” what and the child is treated as a pawn. You, as the bonus parent, need to make sure that does not happen. You need to see clearly and advocate for the child(ren). Trust me, that is where you want to be.
Do not speak badly about the other parents, EVER.
I think this really goes without saying, but you are to never ever, ever speak unkindly about the other side of the family. It will get you no where and cause unnecessary friction. Keep unkind opinions to yourself.
Make your bonus babies feel welcome but DO NOT play favorites.
It is extremely important in blended families to make sure that the child(ren) are made to feel comfortable and happy.
As an adult, you should be able to put your feelings aside, at least in front of them, and make their feelings priority.
Make them feel welcome and at home when they are with you. Imagine yourself in their shoes, would you be happy in the environment you have created for them?
If you are bringing kids from two separate families together, DO NOT play favorites. Whether that is towards your bio kids OR bonus kids. You will create a harmful mess that won’t be helping anyone.
Favoriting your bonus kids will result in your bio kids resenting you and your bonus kids to become accustomed to getting their way.
While favoriting your bio kids over bonus kids will create an unhappy place for the bonus kids to be and WILL cause strain on the bio parent.
You need to find that happy medium and try your best to treat them all equally. After all, you love and care for them just like your own, right?
There will be some sort of drama, expect it.
Usually, when I am asked about how to handle the bio mom, I see that the new girlfriend or bonus mom calls the bio mom crazy or ridiculous.
We need to stop this, especially if you have not been around long enough to understand why she is acting the way she is.
Honestly, from what I have seen, many times the bio mom is hurt or jealous and she lashes out at the bio dad (or vise versa).
But, have you been told the truth what the bio dad has done, or do you just call her crazy because he does?
Your best bet is to once again remember your place is at the side for a while. Don’t add to the drama by overstepping or getting into the pettiness.
Don’t be a step monster.
You need to understand from the beginning that the kids come before you and are not going anywhere.
You CAN NOT step into a role and think that they are going to be pushed to the side because you are not happy with a blended family way of life.
If you are not happy, then get out before anything is official and you cause more hurt to a family that has already been broken.
You CAN NOT treat your bio children as precious angels but treat your step kids like garbage. They will realize this and you will tarnish the relationship with their bio parent.
Yes, kids may cause a strain on a marriage, because they are kids and kids can cause chaos. But, if you find that the kids are your sole source of frustration, then maybe the road you are taking is not for you.
If you are feeling this way, then you may need to take a step back and reconsider what you are doing. The last thing kids need is a step parent that is going to make their life worse and not better.
Don’t be the cold, dark step monster that kids will hate.
You need to be a warm comfort for them to embrace. If you can’t do this, then walk away.
Lastly, it is absolutely okay to question your decision.
There is a difference between becoming angered and resentful every time your bonus kids come around (possible step monster) and questioning whether you are right for the job.
Being a bonus parent is a choice you make to love and raise a child(ren) that is not your own. You are not obligated to take on another persons child(ren), but you did. It shows courage and compassion.
Even so, it can be extremely hard to navigate the waters. It is okay to question if you made the right decision. It may be frustrating for you to share your bio family with your bonus babies from time to time, that’s okay. No one said bringing families together was easy. Nothing about parenting in general is easy. Its okay to feel confusion or doubt.
As the bonus parent, you are allowed to have feelings, you’re not a robot.
A very common complaint – Bonus parents are not allowed to join in too much because they are overstepping. If they keep their distance then they aren’t involved enough and don’t “want” their role.
It may always feel like you’re losing as a step parent and it’s okay to feel whatever it is that you feel. Please bring these feelings to your partner so you can decide together how to navigate the way they you feel.
Focus on the relationship with your bonus babes and make sure whatever you are doing or saying is done with good intentions. I think that is all you can do.
Hopefully some of this is helpful for you and your new bonus babes. If you have any questions, feel free to ask in the comments! I’ll be happy to help! 🙂
