It is never wrong to share your story; it is what shapes us into who we are and I am not ashamed of mine.
My story has helped shape me into the woman I am today and I am proud of this story, even if it comes with a lot of pain.
Most stories do.
Everyone, including you and I, has had some sort of trauma in their life – death, broken homes and families, abuse, depression, anxiety, addiction, neglect, the list can go on. This trauma and the way it may have been dealt with has been passed down generation after generation. These are negative coping mechanisms, the way we discipline our children or the way we speak to ourselves that cause even more pain and suffering and these are the generational curses we need to break from.
We don’t have to succumb to the stories of our parents, families or the generations before us, we have the power to change our story. We don’t have to be who they are telling us we are or follow in their footsteps. We can change our path; we can see new light and we can live for a better tomorrow.
For me, my story involves a lack of self-love. I was never taught how to love myself, how to have healthy coping mechanisms, never seen healthy relationships, and because of this, my personal, family or friend relationships have always been rocky.
Is the concept of self-love new? Probably not. But it was also probably not encouraged until a few decades ago. If this wasn’t encouraged until recently, then no wonder I was never taught. To be clear, I don’t blame anyone for not knowing better.
Looking back a hundred years ago, did you think grandma was talking about self-love and leaving her abusive husband to go live her carefree self with her ten kids? Probably not.
Grandma didn’t have access to a better life because “it’s just the way things were”. So, this is the concept that has been passed down. What our parents and grandparents did, this is what we should do.
I’m telling you that it doesn’t have to be this way.
We can love ourselves; we can break from the tireless cycle of toxic ways, break from abusive relationships. We can learn how to gentle parent, even if it’s not what were used to. We don’t have to cope with the stress of everyday life with negative mechanisms. We have the power and resources to change the path we were put on. We can change our lives! We NEED to change for the better, for us and the generations were raising.
This brings me to my first point:
When you want to change your path, you have to acknowledge and accept things for what they are, not what you want them to be. Don’t romanticize addiction.
I come from a line of alcoholics, but this doesn’t make me an alcoholic for enjoying a few cocktails every now and then. However, it can have a negative impact on my family if I am not aware of my actions, how far I am going and how often I am enjoying them.
I know I’m not alone in coming from addiction. Addiction is a disease that ultimately starts with a choice. For me, I have to choose if I am going to stay on the path of addiction when it comes to alcohol and that is by being 100% honest with myself, but isn’t that how we overcome most issues in our lives? By being honest with ourselves?
The truth can cause a lot of backlash because the truth can be hurtful. Do I want to hear that I’m not doing as well as I thought I was? No, but that is what is going to help me to push myself to be and do better. Just as I’m sure the same for you.
Take a moment to think of what is a weak area in your life, what needs changed, what needs worked on? What do you want to accomplish and where do you want to be in the future? What do you want your life to look like for your kids? What generational norm that has been passed down the line do you want to end with you?
Whatever came to your mind during those questions is what you’re going to need to focus on changing.
Changing ways, correcting wrongs that were forced on to you and doing better is not easy in the slightest. But it is possible.
In order for you to change this negative path, it is going to come down to you being honest and acknowledging what needs work. What isn’t healthy, what broken pieces need put back together.
Nothing is impossible, but just like anything worth while – it’s going to take work.
For example, if you come from an unhealthy, unfit family and want to break that cycle? Learn to cook healthier, start walking and work up to running, maybe lift weights, join a gym or purchase a workout program. It’s not going to be easy especially if you’ve never been taught any different. Eventually, you will break from those old ways.
Next point:
You will never change your path if you do not distance yourself from what is causing the issues in the first place. Place some distance in between you and the cause.
To prepare you, I will be honest and tell you this step can be a brutal one.
For me, I have had to distance myself from a family member that I love because I have been hurt, lied to and my children were even involved with situations that tore me apart. Is this something that I want to do? Absolutely not. Are my kids and I hurting because of my decision? Yes. But is this what is best in this situation? Also, yes.
Making changes in your life is tough work. Doing things that make you sad and uncomfortable is hard, especially when it is so easy to run back to your old ways because it’s what you know. Guys, I am living proof of this right now. For me, the relationship I’ve had to take a step back from isn’t serving me, it was draining me. Is it hard to choose to pull your family away from someone they love? Yes, but its even harder to constantly feel unheard, uncared for, lied to, almost to the point of being mentally abused. Why would I continue on that path?
So, here’s a question for you: Why would you want to continue on a path that makes you feel nothing but negative feelings? A path that doesn’t serve you but only drains you? A path that is pulling you down instead of lifting you up?
This path doesn’t even have to include relationships, it can be in the habits, lifestyles or addictive ways that have been passed down to you.
If you have any inkling that what your family is doing is wrong, even if it has been pounded into your head that it is right, break free from it.
This is your one and only life, why would you spend it living or feeling all the ways that feel wrong to you?
If I had to guess, you have made it through every single one of your bad days. Breaking free from your generational curse is going to make you feel bad, its going to look like your worst days. Eventually, you will see the light and you will be able to be free of what wasn’t serving you. You are going to shine and you will pass on a healthy path.
Final point: Focus on the Fruit.
My pastor gave a great message that has been so near and dear to my heart and I have yet to let it go. “Focus on the Fruit.” How I took this is when you feel like you can’t go any farther, when you are feeling down, when you feel like you can’t give anymore, not doing well enough – focus on the fruit. What are you trying to create, what kind of life are you trying to live and habits you are trying to break? When you feel like things are just too much, focus on the fruit, not today, the past or how much farther you have to go, but the fruit of your endeavors and you will get there.
Life can be so very hard, frustrating and downright difficult sometimes especially when you don’t know how to break from toxic cycles. I’m telling you it’s possible and you can do this. You will see the light and live a better tomorrow.
I pray that you find peace in your heart and love the ones that surround you, even if they are the reason you are feeling poorly. You can break from these never-ending cycles, distance yourself and love from afar. Remember, some tough love is still love and you deserve all the love the world has to offer.
