How I am Starting Fresh Before the New Year

I have always had issues with my weight. After I had my first son, Bowen, I weighed 155 pounds. That may not sound like a lot, but standing at 5’2, I was overweight, but had no idea.

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I had not a single clue as how to properly cook when we moved out on our own. I was 20 years old and pregnant with our first son. Dinner consisted of mostly from the box meals, potatoes were our main vegetable and we ate fast food like it was going out of business.

Fast forward 8 years and 4 kids later, I have learned how to cook, and not to toot my own horn but am actually a pretty good cook. And although this body has done so much for me, I still am in disgust and full of shame because of what it looks and feels like.

When it comes to this body, I have tried it all, and I think that is why I have such a hard time with what I’m eating and how much. I actually have self diagnosed myself with a binge eating disorder.

To top it all off, I am also highly addicted to sugar, which I feel is the source of my binging.

Starting Fresh With My New Normal

I’ve decided, since I am no longer having babies and not being pregnant is my new normal, it is time for me to start fresh and take care of myself.

I have seen far too many people healthy, strong, covid or not, pass away recently and I just couldn’t fathom putting my family through that too because I was just too lazy to properly take care of myself.

So, last month we bought a studio bike to add to our gym, and I am changing up my diet in one last attempt to get hold on my sugar addiction and binge eating dilemma.

I have decided to start keto/low carb, again. I completed 2 months of keto/low carb at the end of 2018/beginning of 2019 and lost roughly 20 pounds and felt AMAZING – no sugar or gluten, just lots and lots of veggies , protein, and my beloved cheese. As fate would have it, I ended up pregnant with the twins and decided to eat “normal” as I had with my 3 previous pregnancies.

After the twins, I started keto/low carb again but after a week noticed my milk supply had dropped tremendously, and with breastfeeding twins I needed all the milk that I could get. So, once again I had to put the “diet” on hold.

High School Trauma

Now, I mentioned before that I have struggled with my weight for such a long time and it started way back in high school when I was forcing myself to starve because a boyfriend told me I needed to lose weight – I was 17.

I don’t think I will ever forget standing in my parents driveway complaining, saying I was hungry because all I had were carrots and celery that day. His response to my hunger: “If you want to be fat, be fat. Go eat”. He also told me not to chew gum because a magazine article told him that chewing gum would make my body think I was hungry and store fat or some bullshit.

Honestly, I can’t believe I ever let someone talk to me that way.

My poor husband has dealt with this “trauma” of mine for the last almost decade. To be clear, my husband has loved me at my heaviest of 186 twin pregnancy, 155 post Bowen, and my lowest of 112 post Raymond. He has never called me fat, has never told me I needed to lose weight, has never forced me not to eat. He just has always supported me with anything I want to do.

Ultimately, how I feel is up to me and what I choose to do, say, feel, think about my body is up to me. I know sugar is harmful to me, that if I bake cookies then I will end up eating 90 percent of them, I like my junk food, cheese fries, mozzarella sticks, potatoes. I know I like all this.

None of this is good for me and it definitely wont be good for my kids if something happens to me because I couldn’t control my eating.

Is Keto/Low Carb Bad For You?

Now, I know keto/low carb has a bad rap. I myself have been back and forth with if it is good for you or not. Here’s what I have come up with:

Being so strict with yourself that all you are eating is carrots and celery, is not good for you.

Being so careless that you eat whatever the hell your cravings desire, is not good for you.

Smothering everything in cheese and bacon, as many think keto is, is not good for you.

But, being smart about your food choices, eating mainly veggies and protein while dressing it up with some flavorful cheese, adding some coconut or olive oil to the pan, dressing up a salad with some hard boiled eggs, grilled chicken and black olives, that sounds delicious, is not bad for you.

What’s good for one person, isn’t great for the next. Sugar is not good for me because of my addiction and how poorly my body handles it. With keto/low carb I cut out all the sugar and carbs that turn to sugar and I feel amazing. That is what I am chasing here.

I am tired of feeling so tired and sluggish, not fitting into my clothes, looking in the mirror at this puffy, red faced woman and feeling the need to cover it all up with makeup to feel better.

I want and need to do this for myself and my health.

Healthy is not a one size fits all. For me it’s going to look like a lot less sugar and lot more loaded veggies.

You can follow my Keto Journey over on Instagram at @organizedchaoschronicles