Where Have I Been All Of July? – Life Update

A few of you may be wondering where the heck I have been all of July.

I took a small break from my blog for all of July and now that I am typing, I don’t know why I did to be honest. But I wanted to share an update on where I’ve been, what I’ve been doing and where I think I’m going from here.

To start off boldly I’ve been lost.

There is no other way to describe how I have been feeling other than the word lost.

I have felt like I am just walking around this Earth purposeless, shameful, and lost. Wondering what I am doing and why I am so unworthy of being here with my kids, my husband, my home. “Why” was a big question but also a lot of sadness, anger, resentment. I was lost and didn’t know how to make my way back to feeling whole. Honestly, I wasn’t sure I wanted to be made to feel whole again. I was in a pity party of despair and it was awful.

My Blog

The rollercoaster of the Summer started in June when I couldn’t decide what direction I wanted to take this blog.

I have read so much about blogging and how I should have one main topic to base my content on but knowing myself, I can’t have one topic without getting bored or burned out. It’s just not me. This led to feeling less than, unworthy, and why the heck can’t I get my shit together like other bloggers? Why can’t I see my vision clearly and go from there?

I was in such a fog that I couldn’t think straight. Couldn’t come up with content. I felt judged for everything I shared. I mean was anyone really judging? Probably not and I shouldn’t care but it led me to stop writing altogether.

Now that I have had time to collect my thoughts and take a break from finding out what I want to write about, I am happy I was able to clear my head – although I still don’t have a base topic.

For now, I will just write until something sticks. Maybe just use this as my journal? I don’t know. We will see where it ends up.

My Body

The roller coaster of frustration I had from my blog transpired to frustration with my body.

If you don’t know by now, I have suffered from self esteem and body image issues for a very long time.

It started back in late high school when an old boyfriend told me I was too fat and needed to lose weight. Mind you I weighed less than 120 at the time and was told not to even chew gum so my body didn’t think I needed to store fat. Looking back this was insane and honestly cruel. But I believed it. And to this day – almost 15 years later – it still haunts me and I question everything.

I have tried diet after diet, thought this program would help, that program would help, I’ll be motivated by this influencer on Instagram. I’ll track all my calories, I won’t eat carbs, I’ll try macros, I’ll only eat real, whole foods. Blah, blah, blah…

I’ve thought for so dang long now that I need to lose weight and I’ll only be worthy if I have a thigh gap and toned arms and I’m losing my damn mind trying to accomplish this.

Of course, although I have obsessed for years to get back to 110 pounds, I have failed miserably and honestly have just gained weight and my self esteem is 0.

So, I started a work out program in June and I loved it!!!!

I was feeling so good that my husband even made a comment that I had been more confident. I was wearing the shorts, I wore a bathing suit that I know I didn’t look all that great in but felt good. I was doing the dang thing and felt good!

But by the end of July I wasn’t seeing massive results *insert eyeroll because duh* and actually started gaining weight and it set me off. I guess it’s what they call a “trigger” now.

With that said, I am 99% confident that I am battling some kind of disorder but I’m not sure what it is and I’m on a never ending roller coaster ride.

This roller coaster ride ended up causing an “episode” of depression and anxiety, again causing me to stop working out and sitting in a state of pity.

Because of all of this I started questioning everything in my life and wondering what the heck I was doing. Thoughts like – I can’t be a stay at home mom anymore, my blog is making too little money for me to continue, I’m not where I want to be, so I’m quitting it all and getting a “real” job.

A Job

Now, I don’t know if you know the price of daycare, but the last time I checked to put 5 kids in daycare it was OVER $3000 a month. That was with 2 kids in part time – before and after school. This is why I put getting a job on the back burner until all the kids were in school. I just simply cannot justify working a full time job for someone else just to have someone else raise my kids.

BUT

In my “episode” finding a sitter and getting a full time job just made sense.

So, I wasted basically ALL of July looking for a job. I scrolled Indeed for hours upon hours looking for a full time job that paid enough while also providing benefits and fit the hours I was looking for.

I was lucking enough to get an interview for a company that would have fit perfectly, but it was in a really unfortunate location. I chose to look past all that and continued on.

Of course, before the interview I was venting to my sister and she said something to me that really made sense and just stuck. She told me taking this position wasn’t going to make everything better and change my life.

It was my “AH HA” moment. The moment the lightbulb kicked on.

Somehow her words stuck and I stopped looking for jobs and made an appointment with a doctor to figure out what is actually wrong with me. Figure out why I keep having these “episodes” and what I can do about it.

Now, unfortunately the day of my appointment, the kids all came down with a mix of a stomach bug AND hand foot and mouth so I had to reschedule. I have an appointment in two weeks and I am feeling very good about this doctor and hoping she will be able to help me.

Jesus

The most important point from this whole update – I found Jesus again.

Because we have been gone so much this Summer camping, I have put church and my relationship with Jesus on the backburner. So maybe I should have started with this but it should go without saying that I have not prioritized my relationship as I should have been and I think that is why everything has been so out of whack.

If you’re not a believer this may sound made up or unbelievable or just some yada yada. But I promise you, I believe my biggest reason for this “episode” is because I haven’t been taking time to talk with Jesus the way I should have been.

We were home for the first time on a Sunday morning 2 weeks ago. We watch church from home and honestly it is really enjoyable other than the kids and dogs going nuts the whole time. But the sermon was so eye opening.

Everything I had dealt with in the last month and a half was explained.

Basically, our Pastor said “the reason you are feeling like this is because you think you are the solution to your problems and you are not it.”

I have had such a tight grip on everything I had been dealing with, thinking that I had to figure it out. I thought that I had to come up with a solution to my problems on my own. I thought that by working out I would lose the self image issues – I was wrong. That finding a job would make me feel whole, worthy, and meaningful – I was wrong.

My solution to my problems couldn’t be dealt with or solved on my own – I needed Jesus for that.

I am not it.

I am not the one.

And honestly, I don’t know how, but since that day, I have 100% accepted and taken on my role as a wife and stay at home mom.

I actually for the first time in a looooooooong time embraced being home, cleaning, cooking, taking care of my children, and actually enjoyed it.

Since I have prioritized my relationship with Jesus, I feel whole again.

It’s like the feeling of being lost has been completely filled with hope, love, joy, contentment. I have no way of explaining how whole I feel. It’s indescribable really.

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Now, I should mention, I still have issues with my body, I don’t know which direction I am taking this blog, and yes, one day I still want to go get a job. My relationship with Jesus isn’t a cure all and all my problems go away. It’s more of the relationship I have with Him helps me feel at peace and like I have a friend who is there solely for me and to help me. I have a feeling of connection and warmth where before I felt empty. It’s a relationship like no other and I am grateful that I was able to “reconnect” and find peace again.

So where do I go from here? I’m not sure. I am planning on taking it day by day and just be in the moment. I do plan to write but I honestly don’t know what that looks like right now.

For those of you who have read this far, I truly love and appreciate you. Thank you so much for reading about my journey and all I have been through. I hope to share more in the future.

Until next time,